Secure attachment: what it is & how to develop it at any age

Healthy relationships provide a wealth of mental health benefits. They increase happiness, improve mental well-being, and lead to greater life fulfillment. However, your ability to form relationships with others in adulthood can be impacted by the attachment style you developed as a child. 

Based on your connection with a primary caregiver and whether your emotional needs were met, you likely developed one of four attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, disorganized, and secure. Of them, a secure attachment is the one most conducive to healthy adult relationships.

Though we know early childhood experiences impact your ability to build strong bonds with the people around you, not everyone grows up in an environment that promotes securely attached bonds. With the right support and techniques, you learn how to develop a secure attachment style. This can help you reframe how you connect with others to improve your work and romantic relationships

Secure attachment is just one of the attachment styles you might develop as you mature. The other three types are all forms of insecure attachment. 

• Anxious: People with an anxious attachment style often have a deep fear of abandonment. They may act clingy, jealous, insecure, demanding, or overly preoccupied with their relationships. 
• Avoidant: Individuals with avoidant attachment styles generally try not to rely on others or have others depend on them. They likely have a sense of hyper-independence and may tend to withdraw when conflict arises.
• Disorganized: Individuals with disorganized attachment may crave intimacy but have difficulty trusting others. Their discordant behaviors might send confusing signals to the people in their lives. 
• Secure: People with secure attachments can comfortably express their feelings and emotions, depend on their partners, and allow their partners to rely on them. They are generally comfortable with emotional vulnerability and trusting others.

The foundation of your attachment style begins during early childhood. As you emotionally mature, various relationships and life experiences can alter how you form connections with others. A secure attachment style in childhood means you’re less likely to partake in maladaptive schemas, such as social isolation or emotional deprivation. Emotional deprivation means you believe your basic needs will never be met, leaving you feeling unsupported and alone. 

A child’s first relationship is usually with their primary caregiver. During infancy, a child naturally gravitates toward their caregiver when in distress. Those who develop a secure attachment have an expectation that their caregiver will provide safety and protection. 

A child might become insecurely attached if they live in a chaotic or unpredictable environment with caregivers who are unable to attune to their needs. For example, say a child grows up in a home where they often have no choice but to make dinner for themselves and tend to household chores due to inconsistently available caregivers. They are more likely to develop an insecure attachment since their caregiver did not reliably provide for their basic levels of needs. 

John Bowlby’s attachment theory and Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory describe the behaviors that predict early childhood attachment patterns. In the 1950s, Bowlby studied a child’s anxiety and distress when separated from their caregivers, believing children are born with an innate drive to remain close to their caregivers.

In the 1970s, Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s work by identifying the main attachment styles children form with their caregivers. She is perhaps most famous for her Strange Situation study, in which children typically aged between 9 and 18 months start out sitting in a room with only their caregiver. While the child explores the room, a “stranger” enters, speaks to the caregiver, and approaches the child. The caregiver then quietly leaves the room. Soon thereafter, the caregiver returns to the room to comfort the child. 

Ainsworth could determine a child’s attachment style based on their reactions to their caregiver leaving. She described three categories of attachment: 

• Anxious-avoidant attachment (Group A): The child appears unbothered when the caregiver leaves and indifferent when their caregiver returns or seems to prefer strangers.  
• Secure attachment (Group B): The child feels comfortable exploring the room while the caregiver is present. They might show signs of concern when the caregiver leaves the room and is consoled when the caregiver returns.  
• Anxious-resistant attachment (Group C): The child shows signs of distress when the caregiver leaves and displays conflicting wants for and against comfort once the caregiver returns.

Subsequently, psychologist Mary Main later classified an additional insecure group as Group D, which represents disorganized-disoriented attachment (Main & Solomon, 1990).

Early childhood attachment determines how children forge relationships with other people throughout their lives. Attachment styles can impact everything from social skills to perceptions of self-worth. 

A caregiver’s attachment style can influence the relationship they form with their child. Caregivers with secure attachments are far more likely to raise children with secure attachments. If a caregiver has an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style that they’ve never treated, those characteristics can play out when forming a relationship with the child. 

Attachment parenting vs. secure attachment

In “The Attachment Parenting Book,” registered nurse Martha Sears and her husband, Dr. William Sears, capture the style of parenting known as attachment parenting. They discuss seven practices they call the Baby Bs: birth bonding, baby-wearing, bedding close to the baby, belief in the baby’s cry, balance, boundaries, and beware of baby trainers. 

The Sears recommended this parenting style as a way for parents to form strong attachments with their infants. Despite having some overlap, attachment parenting and secure attachment are different approaches to child-rearing. It’s also worth noting that attachment parenting, as defined by the Searses, is not yet proven to increase a child’s chances of developing a secure attachment defined by Ainsworth. 

Rather than following a strict parenting style, caregivers must be attuned to the child and meet their unique needs. For example, new parents may believe co-sleeping is a good way to bond with their child, but they find the child cries when removed from their crib. Instead of causing the infant distress, the new parents let the child sleep in their crib. 

The methodology behind attachment parenting can offer loose goals to strive toward. However, if they are not in the best interest of the caregiver or child’s health and well-being, it’s OK to change course. 

Infants with secure attachments typically show signs through verbal and nonverbal communication, such as: 

1. Happiness when caregiver returns: A baby may smile, laugh, and make sounds of pleasure when their caregiver returns after an absence. They may show signs of distress when the caregiver leaves, but they aren’t inconsolable. If they initially cry, they stop or gradually decrease showing signs of distress once the caregiver returns. 
2. Following their caregiver with their eyes: A securely attached baby may watch a caregiver while being held.
3. Crying for comfort or closeness: If a baby cries seeking comfort, the primary caregiver reliably appears to calm and reassure them. 
4. Gestures to request physical contact: A baby uses nonverbal gestures, like extending their arms for a hug, to request affection from the primary caregiver.
5. Smiling back at their caregiver: A baby smiles at their caregiver and shows other signs of affection. 

Signs of secure attachment in childhood

Young children with secure attachments are curious to explore their world. Some of the characteristics they display include: 

1. Seeking out their caregiver when in distress: If a child is in pain or afraid, they will seek out their caregiver for comfort. 
2. Seeking physical touch: A child welcomes and finds comfort in physical affection provided by their caregiver. 
3. Willingness to explore the environment: The child is willing to venture away from their caregiver and explore their space. 
4. Forming healthy bonds with other children: The child is able to have healthy play and engagement with other children.
5. Showing an interest in learning: A securely attached child shows an interest in learning and trying new things.

Signs of secure attachment in adulthood

Adults show signs of secure attachment through emotional regulation and good self-esteem. These include: 

1. An ability to build healthy boundaries: The adult can form healthy connections with people around them.
2. Communicates their emotions effectively: The adult can effectively communicate their needs, wants, and feelings.
3. Good self-esteem: The adult has a strong sense of self-worth that ensures they are capable of self-advocacy. 
4. Comfortable with closeness: The adult is comfortable with forming close bonds with the people around them.
5. An ability to trust and rely on others: The adult trusts and relies on their friends, family, coworkers, and partners. 

Not everyone develops a secure attachment as a child. But as an adult, you can rewrite your attachment style and deepen your relationships. 

As you begin building a secure attachment, be kind to yourself. You will likely engage with uncomfortable memories and emotions. It’s OK to take breaks and go slow. Practice self-acceptance, remembering there is nothing innately wrong with having an insecure attachment. 

Identify related past experiences

Either with a mental health professional, in a journal, or with a trusted loved one, identify past experiences or childhood trauma that may have contributed to your insecure adult attachment. Here are some examples of childhood experiences to consider: 

• You were often left alone to feed and provide for yourself as a child. 
• You were responsible for caring for a parent or primary caregiver. 
• You had one caregiver physically or emotionally leave the family unit. 

While it’s helpful to name past experiences that impact your adult attachment style, you may not remember them because they happened early in your life. Even if you do not remember certain childhood events, the emotions you felt during negative events might still live in your body. 

Work to connect with your inner child through shadow work. Over time, you can start to process emotions from childhood that may be trapped in your body. 

Reflect on insecure patterns

To resolve insecure patterns, you must first recognize them. Consider your past intimate relationships, including with your friends, parents, partners, teachers, and other prominent figures from your life. Get started using the following questions: 

• When you get close to a new person, do you push them away or cling to them?
• Are you afraid of being abandoned? 
• Do you have a fear of intimacy or a lack of trust?
• What are your coping mechanisms for difficult emotions? 
• Do you end up in a thought spiral when you give someone space?

If you’d like to dig a little deeper, it can be helpful to work through a trauma questionnaire, rating statements such as:

• I am comfortable discussing my problems and concerns with my partner. 
• I tend to minimize the importance of close bonds in my life.
• I often expect the worst to happen in my intimate relationships.
• I have a tendency to overlook or dismiss caring behaviors from my partner. 

For each statement, mark 0 (disagree), 1 (sometimes agree), 2 (mostly agree), or 3 (strongly agree). Based on your score, you or your counselor can assess your attachment style. By naming how your insecure attachment style presents, you can more easily identify where to focus your healing efforts.

Pro tip: If you have a trusted loved one, consider opening up to them about your efforts to resolve your attachment style. It’s a great first step toward letting someone in. Their willingness to support you is a green flag in your relationship. 

Build good self-care habits

Connecting with your inner child and working through childhood wounds is difficult. Make sure you implement self-care practices to create a safe internal space as you explore the causes and solutions to potential attachment wounds. Here are some ideas: 

Remember, you won’t resolve complicated feelings all at once. You are most likely parsing through many years of attachment wounds and habits. Slowly, you can rewrite these habits to forge healthy relationships with the people in your life. 

Focus on emotional regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to identify and manage emotions in a healthy way. Even when you feel strong emotions, such as fear or anger, you’re able to handle their intensity. You can work through them internally using healthy coping mechanisms. 

If you have a secure attachment style, you’re likely emotionally mature and can regulate your emotions. You accept both positive and negative emotions. You may encounter stress, anxiety, or unease in the relationship, but you can handle the difficult emotions. 

On the contrary, if you have an insecure attachment style, you may struggle to handle complex feelings related to your relationships. You might develop unhealthy defense mechanisms that push loved ones away or have anxious thought spirals about the relationship. You may also retreat inward, become especially anxious, or shut down when experiencing difficult emotions or feeling overwhelmed. 

As you work on improving emotional regulation, recognizing your emotions is crucial. Pay attention to how these emotions feel in your body. Engage in positive self-talk and words of affirmation, assuring yourself that you are safe alongside your feelings. Over time, you can create new habits to regulate your emotions better. 

Work on trusting yourself and others

At the core of attachment wounds is often a lack of trust in yourself and others. Yet trust is essential for healthy, secure, and satisfying relationships. 

An anxious attachment style may cause a fear of abandonment, which leads to an innate distrust of others. As a result, you may be clingy or possessive. An avoidant attachment style might mean you push people away because you have difficulty trusting them. 

The first step in resolving trust issues is learning to trust yourself. Practice self-compassion and advocate for yourself and your needs. Sometimes, taking small risks can help improve your sense of self-trust. 

Finally, be accountable to yourself. If you tell yourself you’ll work on something, make it happen. Following through builds a sense of self-trust and invites you to believe in yourself. 

Improve communication skills

To build healthy relationships with others, you need to communicate your needs, relationship values, and emotions. Here are some strategies you can try to improve your communication skills:

• Use “I” statements when expressing frustration, hurt, or another difficult emotion.
• When in conflict, focus on problem-solving strategies instead of assigning blame.
• Set clear boundaries for what you need from your partner. 
• Practice active listening when having difficult conversations. 
• Feel free to take breaks when working through conflict.  

Improving your communication skills is equal parts speaking and listening. Whether you’re aiming to fix a relationship or trying to let go of resentment, communication goes two ways. Strive to listen as much as you aim to express yourself. Extend the same kindness and grace to the other person you’d give to yourself. 

Pro tip: If you notice that you shut down after sharing your feelings with others, you may be experiencing a vulnerability hangover. It often happens after taking an emotional risk by sharing personal details. A vulnerability hangover is normal, and it will pass. 

Work with a mental health professional 

As you dive into old childhood attachment wounds, many complicated emotions can arise. Sometimes, it can help to seek guidance from a mental health professional. 

They can help you navigate your unique situation. You can create healthy coping mechanisms and work through these complicated emotions at a comfortable pace. A therapist can provide a constructive and gentle environment to talk through childhood experiences and help you learn how to cope after experiencing an insecure attachment style. Together, you can work toward healing your attachment style and building strong interpersonal relationships with the people in your life. 

Repairing an insecure attachment style means taking a close look at your past and possibly sitting with uncomfortable feelings. Remember that you’re not alone. Mental health professionals and life coaches can help. Improve your resilience, develop secure attachments, and build healthier relationships with a BetterUp Coach.